FMA:B Outtakes
by beltloop
Summary: Those silly outtakes were serious. (IN PROGRESS)
1. Kissy

_**I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.**_

Hohenheim stood, brushing off his pants. He looked up at the group consisting of two chimera and a homunculus, talking to Edward, "I see you've made a new group of friends."

"We're not," Darius grumbled.

"It's more like we're all on the same sinking ship," Heinkel finished.

"That's right," Greed said, pointing at himself, "I guess you could say I'm the captain of that ship."

Hohenheim stepped forward, "So you're the one in charge? Then how about leaning over here and giving me a kissy?" Edward looked up at Hohenheim in shock.

"Sure!" Greed complied, stepping forward to close the gap between himself and Hohenheim. He reached up to caress Hohenheim's bearded jaw before pressing his lips against the man's. Instantly, Greed melted into the kiss and Hohenheim wrapped his arm around Greed's waist, biting at the homunculus' lower lip. Greed groaned in pleasure and brought his hands back to let loose Hohenheim's ponytail.

Edward screeched in outrage, "What the hell!?" He wasn't sure if he was supposed to separate them or get the hell away from them. Edward was really, really confused. The chimeras seemed to be equally as confused.

The couple separated at Edward's screech and Greed smirked, wiping his mouth with his sleeve while Hohenheim smiled sheepishly.


	2. Drive Thru

_**I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.**_

"So, that was a number one with tater tots and a jumbo coke. Can I interest you in an apple pie today, sir?" The man refused the pie. He had no idea why this man was ordering his meal at Central Command, but by god, it was his duty to get it to him.

Forget the hostages, forget the radio, forget Izumi Curtis, he needed to fry up some fucking tater tots. He slammed the headset down on the table and yelled at his fellow soldiers, "YOU HEARD THE ORDER, GET TO IT!"

The soldiers scattered, rushing to get supplies. It was common knowledge that drive thru orders needed to be at the car within three minutes or less, or else the customer gets it free. He turned to the fryer and dropped the frozen tots in, listening to them sizzle.

He was stressing out. There was no way he could get it out in time. He looked down at the hostage tied in a rope and the hostage gave him an encouraging look, his eyes twinkling with unshed tears, "You can do this, I have faith in you."

He swallowed back knot in his throat at the hostage's kind words and felt relieved when two soldiers returned, one with the hamburger and another with the jumbo coke. He tapped his foot in aggravation, "Where's the fucking toy?"

Izumi clapped her hands together and placed them on a table. Blue light flashed around her fingertips and a toy helicopter merged from the table top. She grabbed it and tossed it to him. He nodded her thanks and took the tots out of the fryer. In a hurry, he put all of everything into a tiny paper bag and folded the top down, carrying the jumbo coke in his spare hand. He bounded out of the room, running as fast as he could to get to the car before the three minutes were up.

Three long hallways, two flights of stairs, and a set of security guards later, he finally got outside to the black car waiting for him. As the back window rolled down, it revealed a smirking Roy Mustang looking down at his pocket watch, "You're 7 seconds late."

He gaped as Mustang took the bag of food and drink from his hands. Mustang rolled up the window and the car sped off.

He solemnly watched as the black car left and a lone tear fell from his eye, sparkling as it dropped to the ground.


	3. Sexual Methods

_**I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.**_

Mustang took a deep breath, "The sexual method that's used in the Ishvallan region: They mainly double team."

Breda looked down at the sheet, "Nope, that's close, but it's called dual cropping."

Mustang furrowed his brow, "That doesn't make sense, how is that a sexual method?"

Breda looked back down at the sheet and pursed his lips, "Huh. I donno, I've never heard of it. Maybe it's one of those new things?"

Mustang scoffed, "Please, if it were, I'd have done it by now," He paused, "Please tell me the Lieutenant is not in the room."

Breda let out a hearty chuckle, "She's not, sir. But it does sound more like a farming method."

Mustang hummed in agreement.

"Wait, why do you have to learn the sexual methods used in Ishval?" Breda started.

Smirking, Mustang replied, "It may come in handy."

Breda rolled his eyes at Mustang even though the man couldn't see him.


	4. Major Tom

**_I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or Major Tom. _**

The tank fired and hit the side of the wall. He stumbled to the radio, grabbing the headset, "This is ground control, calling Major Tom!"

"Major Tom to ground control, what the hell is happening down there?"

"Tanks, they've got tanks!" Another fire and the radio had static for a second.

"Up here, too! They fucking sent tanks into space! Oh, god! Oh, god! It's coming right at me!" Major Tom was panicking.

"Space tanks!? Holy shit!" He suddenly liked his situation a lot more than Major Tom's.

"I'm not gonna make it, ground control. Tell my wife I love her very much…"

"She knows, Tom."

"I'm coming home," Major Tom whispered into the radio as there was a booming explosion on his side, and then the radio went dead.

He pulled the headset off, laying it carefully on the radio.


	5. Break the Arm

_**I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.**_

Alphonse climbed up onto the roof to join his brother, "Wow, you can see the entire country side today, huh?"

"Yeah," Edward sighed, looking at the rolling plains of Risembool.

"How bout I push you off this roof and break the arm you just got back?" Alphonse asked, though it wasn't really a question.

"Yeah," Edward replied.

Alphonse screeched like a pterodactyl before flailing his arms and pushing his brother off of the roof. Edward took it like a man and plummeted to the ground making sure to land on the arm that he just got back, just to please his little baby brother. There was a sickening crunch as his arm made contact and then Edward died.

He just laid there and died.

Like a man.


	6. Portal of Happiness

**_I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist._**

"God, I'm sorry. You must find this dull, being a soldier and all," Izumi said to Olivier, who stared blankly at her.

"Quite the contrary," Alex replied, and Izumi turned to look up at him, "The homunculi refer to those who are unfortunate enough to unfortunately unfolded the portal of happiness. What the…"

Izumi didn't seem to follow and Olivier stomped on Alex's foot, growling, "You're a dumbass, Alex. Stop blubbering and let's keep moving."

Alex lost a sparkle.


	7. Fuckin' Sweet

_**I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.**_

"Lets just see how this plays out."

Scar crouched low, eyeing the two chimeras in front of him. He slowly raised his hand, "Chimeras, huh?" He brought his hand into a fist, narrowing his eyes, "Fuckin' sweet!" He caught a momentary glimpse of confusion flicker between the two chimeras before the lights dimmed.

A fast beat started pulsing throughout the room and a green laser flickered as a platformed raised. A DJ had his laptop out and held one speaker from a headset up to his ear as he maneuvered on his laptop, the beat quickly gaining speed and more lights appeared. A panel fell from the ceiling and glow sticks rained upon them.

The two chimera hesitantly picked up some glow sticks before looking at each other and raising an eyebrow, apparently deciding to go with it. Scar connected glow sticks around his wrists and into necklaces, twirling them in the air while he fist pumped and the chimeras joined in.

The bass dropped and the party had only just begun.


End file.
